2002-03-17 @ 9:10 p.m.

we got back earlier this week from the trip to new york city.

i originally went because. well. you know. i wanted to see it. i wanted to be there. and ive talked about it before. except i didnt end up going that time. i went last week.

the decision for me was driven by fear. i was afraid that this event would be forgotten. like every other news story really. become just another blip on the flatline of the life of news. while i didnt think it could ever actually happen, i so desperately didnt want it to. and i felt like it was heading that way. and i was afraid. i wanted it to become real to me. again.

so i went. and i stood on the viewing platform. and i didnt cry. but while waiting our turn. to head up the ramp. as i looked around at the church that wasnt damaged. at the flags hanging everywhere. at all the flowers left and the messages written on the walls around me. i had that feeling in my throat. that lump. and i couldnt think straight and i couldnt cry and i could barely speak. i just turned to D and said in a low voice, 'theres a lot of energy here, hah?' and there was. and i dont know how to explain it really. there just was. an overwhelming amount of energy there.

and as i walked around that church. the one where the sidewalks are a citys tribute. with all the faces. and the flags. and the crosses. and even when we were allowed onto the family platform later that day. and there were people around us sobbing. and it was so much more emotional. the tributes. the pictures. the notes. the flowers. the flickering candles. there was so much stuff. the walls were thick with papers and pictures. and the families. the fractured families. i watched one man tape a picture on the wall of his son and when he was done, he just knelt down and began to sob. and i watched these people. in awe. but the feelings i wanted. i so selfishly wanted. i didnt get. i got something else. instead.

i thought a lot about the trip, both before and after. why i was going. what i wanted to achieve. i wanted all those feelings. i wanted it to help me not forget. i wanted it to be real. but really. it wasnt. i was moved. i was emotional. i was distraught. i was in a haze. but as i headed uptown. and i thought more and more about the feelings that i wanted to walk away with. that werent happening. i realized. im one of those people. that will never fully understand what happened that day. because i wasnt there. and i think the feelings i was looking for can only be felt by the people that experienced it. and while perhaps i thought that being there six months later would achieve those feelings. i didnt realize it. until after. i will never have that nightmare. i will never have that loss. and im glad for that. and no matter how many times i go there. to me. it will always be an event. that happened in pictures.

and as a sidenote. what is this area of new york called now? what do we call it? i was talking to someone at work earlier this week and when i told him i went to new york and went to the world trade center. i found myself being criticized. 'what are you talking about? there is no world trade center' he said. and hes right. of course. but what should we call it? 'okay i went 'there' ' i said. which was just. worse. i thought. and i saw something on television that said that the firefighters are still calling it the world trade center. and 'ground zero' is just a media term. i just dont know what to call it. so whatever it is to you. thats the place.