2002-03-27 @ 10:33 p.m.

this morning my feet hit the floor hard at 930. after i was through staring at the ceiling for ten minutes or so.

i sat at the edge of my bed with my head down. and i stared at my feet. at the hardwood floor. at 930. for a solid five minutes. at least.

i was dreading this day. with all i had.

my two week work stint is over. thats not to say im not working anymore. its just. the other photographer for the paper i work for was in france for two weeks. so i was alone. my days averaged upwards of twelve hours. it was insane. and like i said to her when she got back and asked me if i was looking forward to the rest, and i said no. it was like a two week high for me. and thats exactly what it was. and now. im back to three days a week.

when the phone call came. early monday evening. 'im at logan airport' she said, 'ill be home in a few hours'. her plane had just landed and she was on her way home. she would be coming home tonight. i thought it was supposed to be tuesday. i thought i had another day. but i lost my calendar book somewhere along the way so i wasnt really sure. thats when i started coming down. and i started thinking about what im really doing.

i just. i so desperately dont want to go back to how things were before.

as tired as i was every night when i got home. i was always wanting for more. i was 'good tired' as harry chapin would call it. and i always fell asleep with a smile on my face. and not one day went by. during those two weeks. when i went to bed feeling as though my day had been wasted. which happens too often in my life.

so today. i was unsure what to do with myself. i found myself wandering around the mall some, enjoying the taste of a fruit and yogurt parfait on my lips. then later at my mothers house for dinner. chatting over pasta, candied carrots and vegetarian chiken. about my job. and the cleaning lady we just hired. and the jobs im thinking about applying to. and my six year old neice. among other various things.

last night around 730. i went in to work, just to hang out. i had officially finished everything i needed to finish sometime a little after 2pm that day. and the afternoon found me driving around like i would have been if i were working. but stopping to visit the guys on the job. just chatting. with nothing to say really. just bored. shuffling my feet. and not knowing what to do with myself. and weighing twenty pounds lighter. and missing the camera around my neck.