2003-03-20 @ 11:24 p.m.

the call came last night just as i was slipping into bed. it was nine forty five and i was completely exhausted. and looking forward to catching up on the sleep i had missed out on over the past few days. my editor is on the other line when i pick up the phone. 'we're going to war!' he yells at me. and in an instant. i am up and i am dressed and i am out the door. and i am on the road back to the office, which i had only left less than fifteen minutes before.

i watched the president speak through the lens of my camera, in the smoke filled american legion with several almost-drunk veterans. getting photos of them watching the television. i watched the bombing start when the reporter and i had made our way over to the freight yard pub. and i got photos of folks reactions. mainly the owner of the latter sitting alone on the hearth with a dumbfounded expression on his face. watching the big screen and the cnn version of the news play out in front of him. in front of all of us.

today i covered a protest that i had to leave too early. a walkout at the college here. i got some great photos that im really quite proud of. and im hoping they run at least one on the front page tomorrow. instead of the grainy television footage of bombs exploding that were on the front of todays paper. perhaps pieces of hope for the multitude of us who are opposed to this unjust mass killing. i felt frustrated when i was there. having the term journalist in my job description means i have to be impartial. unbiased. its inappropriate for me to clap or cheer. whether im covering the basketball state championships that a local team is competing in. or a protest i believe in with my whole heart. but i wanted to hug the girls wearing the civilian casualty signs around their necks. and high five the guy playing his heart out. on his guitar. on the steps of chapin hall. singing 'dont let the bastards get you down'. and the solemn west african processional piece played by the dance and drumming troop made me feel like crying. and my heart was infuriated for the early twentysomething guy who got up and talked about his brother. who is now stationed somewhere in that area. and all i really wanted. was to paint my face with peace symbols. and hold a sign that read 'not in my name' or 'anti-war, pro-freedom'. and thats all i really wanted.

but instead. i photographed the ones that told the story of the hundreds who showed up. i photographed the powerful moments and the beautiful statements and the beautiful moments and the powerful statements. and im proud of what i did. but all the while. i was wishing i could have done more. and if theres one thing i discovered today. its that i have great faith in my generation. in the ones that are my age. and in the ones that are just in college now. and i just hope that they stay as unjaded and free thinking and bright and strong-minded as they are now.

and also. today i met two men. full grown, barbed-wire men. whos eyes welled up with tears. and whos lips pursed. and who couldnt speak. when they talked about their sons. and how they cant even say how proud they are of the men those boys have become. and how they want to see them again. how they need to see them again. and thanked you for coming. and taking a photo of the yellow ribbon they tied around the giant tree in their front yard. and hugged you and thanked you. for helping to tell their story. thats the kind of stuff. that can just break your heart. right then and there.

and all i can say really. is im so angry. and i dont want to read any more email messages about envisioning peace or sign this petition for peace. or write this letter to that person and itll make a difference. or anything. hoping for any good at all. because guess what? it wont. and im just so tired of all of that. no good is coming from it. they pay no attention. they dont listen. they just. dont care.

and while im at it. you know. im so fucking tired of the media blame game. the media isnt evil. ive never thought that, even before i worked for it. the media isnt the root of all of our problems. if you dont want to watch. turn off the tv. dont buy the newspaper. listen to a cd instead of the radio. the world needs to be informed. i enjoy staying informed. and i do my best to limit my intake of clearly biased media. and. in my opinion. there are plenty of places to hear unbiased media. try your local news radio station. try NPR. try thinking for yourself.