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2003-01-01 @ 11:02 p.m. 'sometimes i'm the only child. and yes, i have a brother.' was said by leesa. and i read it. just as i was thinking the same thing. because i just got off the phone with my mother. who was talking about my brother. like hes some kind of fucking saint because he returned her call. for the first time in weeks. so its the quote of today. my mother is going through something horrible. and after all the extremely mean things my brother has done to her lately (both pre and post finding out she has cancer). she puts him on her emergency contact forms. she puts his name, and his work and home numbers down in those who-to-contact spaces. after he visited her once in the hospital. on the day of her surgery. once in the five days she was there. i was there every day. i drove ninety miles. each way. in a goddamn snowstorm. while she was in the hospital. and when she got out. i stayed overnight with her until my aunt came to visit. and then after my aunt left, again, until she could stay on her own. ive been at her house every day to drive her up to the mall to go walking. to get out. to get some exercise. ive gone to the drugstore to get her prescriptions filled. ive done her grocery shopping. i even did some of her christmas shopping for her. i even helped her pick out gifts for my brother. after the incident. yea. the one where he threatened to kill me and daniel. and called me many many names. and told me how im a worthless fucking bitch. with no clue about reality. and almost choked the boy unconscious. and spit in my face. several times. yea. that incident. all in front of my mother. on the night. about four hours after she got home from the hospital. but im supposed to forget all about it. because chris. is chris. and its okay. and we need to just forget about it. and move on. right. yea. anyway. he has been to see her once since she got out of the hospital three weeks ago. once, folks. he lives less than ten minutes away. he has to just about drive by her house on his way to and from work. i live thirty minutes away. and ive been there. every single day. when she first got out, i took days off from work. even though he was on vacation. he didnt see her once. and on the days when i do work, i have to drive down between assignments because she needs groceries. and who cares that my work is forty five minutes from her house? and my editor isnt jumping for joy every time i need to take three hours off smack in the middle of the day. and forget that chris has the day off. lay the guilt trip on me because im working and she doesnt have any milk in the house. he hasnt gone to a single appointment with her. again, pre- or post-op. he just hasnt been there. ive brought her to everything. and this friday is her first chemotherapy treatment. will he be there? nope. but im taking time off from work to be there. to drive her there. sit with her for four hours. and drive her home. and hey. who the hell cares that im putting my goddamn life on hold for all of this. i hate that this is happening. for all the reasons why anyone hates why cancer happens. but in addition. i wanted to leave this town and leave this job. and move on to better things. and maybe do something for myself with my life. but i stopped looking. because. like it or not. my mother needs someone to take care of her right now. and my brother has proven that he certainly isnt anything even resembling interested in being it. and dont dare confront him about it. hey. he might threaten to kill me again. or choke me until i turn blue. and i know why shes doing it. why shes putting his name on the papers. shes doing it because she doesnt want to make him feel bad. she puts his fucking name there because she wants him to feel important. like hes doing something. but the fact is he is doing nothing. and he deserves nothing. i know i sound like a selfish baby ranting along here. but im just. im tired. im tired of everything. im tired of all the bullshit going on in my life right now. im angry. im emotionally drained. and i just want a break. and i just needed to vent. somewhere. and i love my mother to bits. of course. and id do it all over again. but i needed to vent this. and this is the only place i can. and like the quote said. most of the time. i feel like im an only child.
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