2004-07-11 @ 11:04 p.m.

she smiled so big when she looked to her right and saw me standing in the window. standing in the viewing room. it was show-off day at gymnastics camp. she is nine years old and she is jumping up on the horse and somersaulting on the floor and balancing on the beam and flipping on the uneven bars. all the while, pointing her toes. she kept peeking over at me, i could see her eyes shift ever so slightly. i would make a hint of a face at her and she would giggle and look back at her instructor. such a shifty little girl. every time i see her i always want to be my mother for her. i want to give her her nana back. i know i cant. but. i always want to do what my mother would do. say what my mother would say. goof around with her like my mother would. im always conscious of it until i get there, and then i get lost in her and dont think about it. but whenever i leave her, i always think a lot about it. and being with her always reminds me how much like my mother i am. and i think she sees that. aside from the love we have for each other, there is also that element of nana in me that i think that perhaps she sees. and maybe. keeps her alive in a way. for her. and makes her not miss her so much. and really? thats all i can hope for.