2003-03-01 @ 10:07 p.m.

a couple of nights ago. i had a minor huge meltdown. im not going to get into the details. but lets just say it wasnt pretty. and the next day, daniel was on the phone pretty much all day calling therapists to see if anyone could see me. like. rightthatsecond. unbeknownst to me.

and. well. no one could.

and tonight. after a day spent together. me working. shooting swimming and hockey and children drawing at the museum. him tagging along. which we used to do a lot on the weekends. but not so much anymore. lately. today we did. and in between. avocado and muenster sandwiches. and the diving competition. i looked at him and said thank you. and i thought i said it out loud but he didnt even bat an eye. so now when im thinking about it. i dont think i did.

so tonight. before he left to go to a friends house to watch a boxing match. he opened his coat and padded his sides. his way of asking for a hug. and i reached in and hugged him. and told him how i was thankful for him. and how i know no one else would love me like he loves me. and im thankful for that. and im grateful. for him.

its not to say it wont happen again. with the illness i have, im prone to certain things. i am. and i have to accept that. and i have to accept the fate i chose for myself when i chose not to go on medication and to face this myself. but im realizing its not just myself thats facing it. and dealing with it. its affecting other peoples lives too. but after all this time struggling. i can actually feel myself finally getting a hold of my life. and once i get that grip. im holding on for dear life and im not letting go. and i dont know whats going to happen. but soon. something will.

and im on my way. to the bar with a friend that just called and asked me to meet him and two of our other friends out. at the mound. the saturday night place to be. and itll be good. and tonight. im really just thankful.