2003-01-23 @ 10:58 p.m.

so i went snowshoeing today. we signed up for beginning snowshoeing at the ems store nearby. because ive been wanting to do it for like. forever. we had just tons of fun. despite, you know, the below zero weather and all. so now i want snowshoes. naturally.

and so we get there. you know. and daniel is all chummy with the instructor girl. and introduces me. oh he knows her i think to myself. of course. this kid knows everybody. and shes all nice and sweet. turns out shes in na with him. but shes not the addict. her boyfriend is. she just, you know, comes for the support. which is cool i guess except that she comes to like every meeting with him. which well. i guess in the world of na. isnt exceptionally cool. so we are trekking along and she is way ahead of us. with some of the other beginning snowshoers. and he says something to me like. 'you know. she should be in nar-anon is really where she should be. just to be able to talk about these things about him. and not, you know, with him sitting right there.' which makes sense.

so ive been thinking. since then. and what ive come up with is that i think i might try and get myself to one of those nar-anon meetings. you know. the meetings for the loved ones of addicts. a guy i know. steve. he goes to one in town i think. because his kid. one of his kids. is an addict.

because. you know. nothings ever going to get better. if nothing gets better. and as they say in na. nothing changes if nothing changes. and if you do what youve always done. youll always get what youve always gotten. edited for proper english. if you dont mind.

because. you see. im swimming and swimming. or maybe im walking or climbing. or something. except that its more like drowning really. and i dont see a thing in my sight. no light at the end of the tunnel. no sign of dry land. and i dont even really know what im looking for. and all i know is that things are terrible. between us. and i want to figure this out. once and for all. and i just dont need this right now. this horribleness. its just the last thing i need. because i have enough of it in my outside life. and when im home. i just want to feel safe. and have everything be okay. and maybe this will help. help me understand. help me. with i dont know what. but maybe. one of these meetings. will be that bit of light or that sliver of dry land. at the end of the proverbial tunnel.