2002-12-10 @ 1:30 a.m.

the past week has been quite tumultuous. i guess that would be a good way to describe it.

my mom. being the trooper that she is. made it through a very tearful surgery. and three additional days in the hospital. today was her followup appointment. you know. where the doctor tells her her chances. and talks about the drugs she will be taking and the side effects of them. and when she will begin to lose her hair. and turns to me and tells me its very hereditary and theres no way of knowing whether or not i have it. no tests. and no preventative measures. and no cure. of course. but she doesnt generally advise to family members of child bearing age to have their ovaries removed. yet.

thanks. because i didnt have enough to think about.

she will start six cycles of chemotherapy in the next week or so. which translates to about four months. and during those four months. we basically just keep our fingers crossed. and other than that. we feel worthless because we cant make her better.

and on the night my mom got out of the hospital. friday night. my brother. apparently. felt it a ripe time to tell me exactly what he thinks of me. yea that loving brother i thought i had. well. yea. not so much. lets just say that 'f*ing bitch' was used a lot. and 'spoiled little bitch' was the most popular phrase of the evening. along with plenty of jabs about me not having even the slightest inkling about what real life is all about. also. you know. i had to wipe spit out of my face more than a few times. and struggle to grab he who is three times my size so that he would take his hand out from around my fiance's neck before his entire face turned blue.

yea. im pretty much still shaking from that event.

im way behind on so many things. like 'felicity' reruns. and i havent even started christmas shopping. and my thanksgiving decorations are still up. and hanukkah was spent in the hospital this year. and we need to get a tree. and i need to return my new camera.

and starting to tell people i love. that i do. more often.

my first assignment this weekend. first thing i had to shoot after this emotional week. was a college basketball game. which sucked. and sucked horribly. i think of the thirty or so photos i took. five were in focus. of that. one was interesting enough to be considered usable. i was so not together. not ready. and still shaken really.

and im horribly out of touch with myself right now. i dont know how im feeling. im overtired. my emotions are wearing me out. and i dont really feel like i know which way is up.

its been so back and forth. so many lows. and not so many highs. but still. up and down.

ps: i updated the photo on the front page of my site. from an assignment i covered over the weekend.