2002-01-29 @ 5:52 p.m.

this morning. i woke up crying. when i woke up. my pillow was wet. and my face was already stained with sticky wetness. from the bad dreams i seem to have shook myself awake from because my subconscious mind couldnt take it anymore. and i immediately realized. that the conversational french course that i wanted to take. started last night. and i started to cry even more.

because thats just. so goddamn perfect.

and sometimes. its just that fragile.

im not really updating because i dont know what to say right now. im at a terrible place in my life. with brief highlights. highlights such as my most recent entry. that i have trouble enjoying once the moment is over. and i want to run away. but i dont have the strength and my legs wont move.

oh i wish i had a river i could skate away on. joni mitchell said it. its a favorite song of mine. and i finally did buy blue.

im not even really sure how im feeling these days. actually. i suppose i do know. but i want to keep it to myself. for a little while longer. until it all becomes clear. until i can feel it without beating myself up. until i can realize its necessary. until its painfully obvious and i have no other choice. until.

until i have a river. i can skate away on.