2003-07-07 @ 3:36 p.m.

'so you're in what we call remission' were the exact words to come out of dr. d's mouth last friday morning. my mothers cancer is in remission. a few minutes later, as we walked through the parking lot of the doctors office. i could actually feel something being lifted. i felt like i was walking upright for the first time since november. the almost nightly excruciating upper back pain hasnt happened since friday. im relieved. for many reasons. and as i told my therapist today, some of them are selfish. but still. im relieved. and ever so grateful. but in all honesty, as happy as i was. and this may make me sound like a terrible person or something. but as soon as i heard the news, i wanted to get as far away from my mother as possible. like, my responsibilities were over. and i just needed to get away from it all. i didnt. i sat through lunch and then relaxed at her house for a bit. but then. four days went by without calling her. which never happened when she was sick. and she was upset that night. i could tell, when i called. but i couldnt let it get to me. because i did all i could do. with no help from any other family members. i did it all alone. and i would do it again. and i will if it comes to that. but right now, i just need that rest.

so this is my first time online in months. this afternoon when i turned the computer on i had 1300 messages to download. its still downloading. ive been lost in the depths of whatever it is that ive been going through. ive been feeling helpless, depressed, and incredibly alone. im really just in a lot of pain right now. lately. for many reasons that no one seems to care about. including myself, up until very recently. and im trying to work through that.

and this computer that daniels parents gave to us before they moved has been nothing more than a headache. so the reasons i havent been online have been numerous. a myriad of reasons.

in my new found free time. ive been doing a lot of reading. exploring. sleeping. brief road tripping. hiking. dreaming. watching too much reality tv. and other things. i even went canoeing on the river that runs behind my house a couple of weeks ago. some of the things have been helpful. some not so much. ive been listening to a lot of bob dylan, james taylor, patty griffin, kris delmhorst, leonard cohen and joni mitchell. as well as other soothing voices. ive seen people in concert like ellis paul (last night, with friends), rosanne cash (last sunday night), we're about 9, rachael davis, girlyman (together, last week), catie curtis, maybe baby (both, weeks ago) and cosy sheridan (even longer ago). im in therapy for myself now. today was my third week and im still unsure whether she is the right fit for me. but for now its working anyway. its just good to be able to talk i suppose.

so i think ill be updating more often from now on. i just need to get back in the swing of it i suppose. i just havent had the energy that being online had come to require for me. so im back. i just need to be here in moderation i guess.