2002-04-26 @ 11:03 p.m.

today i had the urge to call my father. and just say. im driving out to visit you. im leaving now. see you in two days. he lives in little rock arkansas.

i thought about it all day.

whats bothering me lately is that i dont really know him. i know only the basics. hes bipolar. he has thyroid problems. hooray. but i look exactly like him. and i dont know how old he was when his freckles faded or when his hair turned sandy blond. i dont even know if hes a sucker for fresh squeezed orange juice or for fig newtons or just barely overripe plums like i am. and i dont know if he has a really bad problem with dry skin. i was thinking this this morning when i got out of the shower and was slathering myself with aloe moisturizing lotion wondering where on earth this dryness came from. seemingly out of nowhere over the past two years. i know almost every little thing about my mother. which would lead logic to believe that i didnt get it from her. i got it from him.

but then. the delusions i always have faded. the delusions of the wonderful father/daughters i see around me. that make me cry at the sight of them. and my reality set in. and i remembered what our relationship really was. and that it doesnt really matter where my dry skin or my penchant for french fries comes from. the bottom line is just. that our relationship is toxic. and its best left how it is now. which is non-existant.