2002-01-08 @ 11:39 p.m.

'never be bullied into silence. never allow yourself to be made a victim. accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself' -harvey fierstein

tonight i learned. that if you hold on to things. it makes you sick. and if you do something. as easy. as letting those things go. youre better. so much better. not to mention. better than that other person. but the thing is. its really not easy.

so tonight. after a couple of months of avoiding D's new friends. the NA friends. the former addict friends. the friends he has been saying bad things about me to. tonight. i pushed my pride. and my shame. aside. and went out and played pool with them when they got out of their tuesday night meeting. and i felt uncomfortable. as i thought i would. but after a bit. i felt okay. and better than if i were home and knew he was there with them. and imagining all the things he would be saying.

and i have been having thoughts about it. many thoughts about it. this night. since i got home. wondering if it was the right thing to do. and i still dont know. i know that if these people only hear bad things about me, theyll never know anything different. but who cares what his teenaged friends think. and i know. that this isnt forgiving him. but perhaps. it is a second chance. of some kind.

and honestly. i just dont know that i should be giving it. i just dont think its my space to be doing the mending. because he should be the one doing that. the mending. the fixing. the healing. the taking back. the showing im not a bad person. i shouldnt have to prove that. to anyone. and especially to anyone. who doesnt even know me. and yet. thinks these bad things. and. sees me as something. im not.