2002-10-09 @ 10:38 p.m.

packages full of me. full of my heart. and my ive-given-it-all-ive-got. have been scattered across the country in the past six days. packages full of resumes and cover letters and caption sheets and cds. chuck full of my best images. my best images from the past year. my best images. that i hope are good enough. to at least warrant some kind of something. at least a phone call. or maybe an interview.

five packages. to four different states. in the past six days.

two to upstate new york. one to alabama. one to california. ninety miles northeast of los angeles. and tomorrow. one more package. heads in the direction of a woman named africa in western tennessee.

i keep thinking of what i ultimately want to do. how i want my career to go. in secrecy, i want to work for national geographic someday. i want to travel the world. i dream of all the exotic places ill see and the interesting people ill meet. someday. and i dont know if any of that will ever happen. and someday. life will shift. and ill probably wake up and find myself with new dreams. but either way. dreams are important. right?

im so torn about this job search. i am. theres this new part of me that wishes i could stay here forever. and settle down here. in this place that. for the most part. makes me happy. but theres a bigger part of me. that wants that stimulation ive grown so used to over the past twelve years. twelve years of moving. ten years of not staying in one place for more than eight months. until i moved here. and after two years in this town. this town ive grown to love and call home. really. but still. after two years. i have to tell you. alabama is sounding pretty damn exotic right about now.

who knows where this will take me. perhaps G will leave and ill be offered a full time position at the newspaper where i presently work. or perhaps ill find myself in a ghost town in the midwest somewhere. or in a city somewhere. i dont know.

so for now. six packages. chuck full of my ive-given-it-all-ive-got. are scattered across the country. in places ive never been. and in places i dont really want to live. but ive still got my fingers crossed. and im still hoping that for one of them. ill be good enough. to at least warrant. some kind of something.