2002-02-06 @ 11:51 p.m.

tomorrow morning i leave for new york city. for two days.

im going for one reason. to see 'ground zero'. because im extremely uncomfortable with the fact that september eleven has started to become a surreal concept to me. like something i saw in a movie once. and then about a month later. i left the theater. and it didn't really happen at all.

its something i feel like i need to do. i need to see it. i need to be there. and realize. it happened. its not all in my head. even though the news has moved on. and its only when i see that old issue of newsweek. buried in the magazine rack. with the flames and the towers on the cover. that i remember. that it was real. and i remember the terror. of that morning. even here. two hundred miles away.

and i wasnt affected directly by it like others were. so maybe thats why i feel like i do. like something in me. doesnt quite get it. and maybe never will.

but the other night. that alan jackson song. caught me by surprise. in the supermarket parking lot. and i sat in my car. and i just started crying. and i realized. something. that i was affected. and we all were in some way. i know. but i need to do something. besides stand in line and give blood. as we all did in those following weeks.

so. except for that day. a few days after the eleventh. when i drove through new jersey. and saw the lacking skyline. and the smoke still rising. but i didnt have the nerve. to get any closer. so i drove. and watched. the smoke. from across the hudson. and tomorrow. for the first time since i moved away. since i loaded up my truck with my things from my soho apartment. since mid-september 2000. since i couldnt wait. to get away. im going back. and im excited. and im happy. but mostly. im nervous.

im nervous that ill get there. and itll be bigger than i thought. that hole left in the world. more vast. i know it will be. of course it will be. and i wont be able to take pictures. to bring home and show my family. as they asked me to do. because ill be crying too much.

and then. ill drive away on friday evening. after seeing what i need to see. after being where i need to be. and i dont know what will be different. or if anything will. but all i hope. is that ill have a better grasp. or a better understanding. or at least. it wont slip my mind again. what happened. on that september day.