2002-02-22 @ 8:50 p.m.

'thats not how i meant it' has been going in circles through my ears. inside my brain. thats all i keep hearing. thats all he keeps saying. as i sit. and search through the sad excuse for a classified section of the newspaper. in the hopes of finding the perfect one bedroom apartment. on my non-existant budget.

but how does one misinterpret 'im not in love with you anymore'? im not sure. how does one take it the wrong way? is there another way to take it? how does someone say it and have that not be what they meant? and im sorry that i still feel hurt by it. but im not sure how im supposed to just forget. and move on.

and we just arrived home from a few days in rhode island. a vacation that was spurred on by D's cousins visiting and needing to fly out of providence airport. since its over a three hour drive, we decided to make a small vacation out of it. and we spent two days hanging around newport. and i didnt want to come home. and it was refreshing. and good. and i kept catching these glimpses. of how we used to be.

even though two nights before. the bedroom door was split when he kicked it in. and a picture frame with a photo of us in it. shattered into tiny fragments. all over the floor. and life. spun out of control. for an hour. or more. or maybe less. and really. i dont know now. and i thought that was it. it was over. i was so far past my breaking point. that i didnt know what to do. but i knew. it was time to do something. anything.

but i dont. i didnt. because i still. i dont know.

and ive been receiving many supportive emails. which are incredible. thank you. but ive also been receiving a lot of the lecturing 'i would never...' and the 'if a man ever treated me that way...' emails too. which, in concept, i understand. but quite frankly. you dont know until youre there. while growing up, i never understood why women stayed in abusive relationships. i never understood my own mother. and like every other girl, i swore i would never be in one. and if a man ever laid a hand on me. id be out the door. and id never look back.

because i was tough. and fierce. and independent. and i was different. than those women.

but then. shortly before my 19th birthday i met a man. and about six months after we started dating, i started being abused. i was kicked, punched, choked, strangled, suffocated, cut, knocked unconscious on several occassions, burned, and raped repeatedly. more than once with a knife as his weapon. this went on for over a year.

and i still hear the 'i would never...' voice of my younger self and i pat her on the head and wish she could stay that naive forever. but the reality is. you dont know what its like. you dont know what happens to you. everything changes. everything that you thought you knew goes out the window. and youre different. you just dont know. until youre there. you dont know how youre going to react. who youre going to be. what youre going to do. until youre there. and as much as you want to call a woman stupid, or claim that she is asking for it by staying. hold your judgements. because you dont know what its like. until youre there.

but its not like that here. its different. im not being abused. we have been together five years. five years in april. we moved in together two months after meeting. and the first four years were spent working, travelling, playing and living together.

my moods and emotions are extreme and passionate. everything is passionate between us. the love. the friendship. the fights. everything.

up until september 2000, we were together 24/7. which adds up to feeling like we have actually been together about fifty years. we started two internet companies together. from the ground up. we went everywhere together. we did everything. together. it makes it harder to leave. and my mother makes me angry when she tells me that i should just leave if im so unhappy. because 'its not like youre married'. because. that doesnt make a bit of difference. and people dont get that. it feels like a divorce of dynamic proportions. when his parents ask me why i dont want to get married and i tell them, among other things, that i dont think its necessary. and they doubt my commitment to their son. i tell them. we have been through more together in five years than most married couples go through in their entire married lives. the almighty piece of paper isnt going to change my commitment to him. which is intense and strong.

as a result of all this time together, we have gone through the unimaginable. things that no one knows, except for the two of us. add on top of that both of our turbulent pasts and the non-traditional paths we both have taken along the way. and we have things that a lot of couples never have to deal with. but it also results in the closeness we have. in that 'no one knows me like you do' feeling. which is why. i dont leave.

dare to be naive. richard buckminster fuller said that. i saw it somewhere the other day and thought it was just brilliant. simply stated. but such truthful beautiful words. so right.

and so true. in love. that sometimes you have to dare. to be naive.