2002-05-09 @ 11:40 a.m.

my editor just called and left a message. 'um hi caroline i dont know what time you plan on coming in today but theres someone here to see you...'

my violent ex. the man that beat me to unconsciousness. and almost choked me to death. the man that raped me repeatedly. is at the newspaper i work for. standing in the newsroom. talking to my editor. asking if im there. wanting to get in touch with me. as i listened to the message. and his name came over the machine. i just started shaking. he knows where i work. 'im not going to give him your home phone number, so just give me a call when you get a chance...'

and now. its not going to take long before he knows where i live.

and it was only a matter of time. i know.

so i went downstairs and made sure all the doors were locked. and now. im sitting here at the computer. staring out this second floor window. watching all the cars go by. wondering if one of them is him. scared at every car that slows down and every driver that looks in this direction. scared to move. scared to go outside. scared to go into work. walking around the house with the telephone in my hand.

im not afraid of him. im not afraid. ive been telling myself that for so long. and now. now that the day ive been worried about. the day he saw my name in the paper. the day he resurfaced. is actually here. im afraid.