2002-11-08 @ 11:26 p.m.

ive spent the last three days in the county superior courtroom. sitting in the jury box.

i had jury duty the other day and was picked. from like eighty people. i was picked as one of the fourteen to hear this case. a criminal case. with all kinds of armed assault charges. and battery charges. and robbery charges.

the trial lasted two days. and deliberations were one more day.

and i spent so much time there it almost started feeling like home. in the jurors room. sitting on the windowsill looking down at the street. pacing. folded up in a corner reading my book. and we were confined to this one room. and this elevator. and if we wanted to get fresh air we could stand on the front steps of the courthouse. and no further. and the court officer. had to go with us. and thats how it was. the whole time. but really. it wasnt so bad.

at first i thought it was hysterical. i called D on my lunch break the first day to tell him that he wouldnt believe it but i was chosen. and isnt that freaking hysterical? the first day i was trying not to laugh while sitting there listening to tearful testimony. not because the case was funny. but just because i was getting such a kick out of the fact that i was even there.

this week i ran the gamut of emotions. and im emotionally exhausted. so today. after four hours of deliberation. and standing for five more minutes in front of the courtroom as the clerk read our verdicts. it was all over. and as we were leaving the courthouse. at the big heavy doors. i froze. she was on the other side of the door. the accused. she was standing on the steps. i was so used to avoiding her and all the other people involved in the case that i didnt know what to do. i turned around and the woman behind me told me it was alright now that the case was over. so i opened the heavy doors. and we all walked past her. all the while. she is crying and screaming and thanking us profusely. as each one of us walked by. and no one looked at her. we just split off. to our cars. and back to our lives.

i was in tears the entire three block walk to my car. im still not even really sure why. but im sure it was a combination of things. frustration with the system. knowing she was going to be able to go home to her infant son. sadness for her and her lifestyle. not knowing if we did the right thing. hoping we did. wishing there was something else we could have done.

but mostly. i think. i was just so exhausted. and so glad it was over.

and in the end. she was guilty. but we couldnt convict her. because although common sense and logic told everyone in the jurors room that she was guilty. common sense and logic arent enough to put away a crack addict who stabs and robs innocent fifth year surgical residents on their walk to work. unfortunately. we needed evidence. proof. and then theres that whole beyond a reasonable doubt malarkey. and aside from the words we heard from the victim. there wasnt a shred of evidence.

it was an extremely complex (and high profile in this area) case. im just glad its over. and i think im in need of some recovery time.