2001-12-19 @ 8:04 p.m.

i won an auto vacuum at the staff christmas party at the newspaper tonight. my first real 'work' christmas party. the publisher held it up and i whispered to C, 'ooh i could use that' and voila the number was called and now its mine. its small. its cute. its purple. and it has a twelve foot long cord. lookout car. im on my way. vacuum in hand.

work has been fun lately. i have had a love/hate relationship with my job since i started. now, although the feelings i have are more intense, the hate part happens less and less these days.

plus. i think come july. ill officially be full time. which means. you guessed it. health benefits. hot. damn.

and.

i need to talk about my job today. because right now my back hurts and my hip is still bothering me. and i got shots in each arm today. my followup hepatitis shots from my travels to vietnam last january. now. and i just. need to talk about something relatively positive.

we all have a purpose for being here. i honestly believe that. and perhaps. when that purpose has been fulfilled. that. is when we leave this earth. or perhaps not.

ive always done my job.

when i unluckily/luckily stumbled upon the now infamous accident way back in august. that people are still talking about. i stood there. for a good half an hour. snapping over one hundred photos. and then. that night. when i sat in the newsroom and stared at my computer screen. with all those images. deciding. i spent my entire sunday night there. the entire sunday night when a friend of mine. who i hadnt seen in too long. was visiting from boston. i sat at my computer. and made sure you couldnt see any body parts anywhere in the picture. and decided what the right thing to do was. and did it.

and one week later. when i was asked to cover the funeral for a 15 year old local girl who had just died suddenly from some strange illness. without a thought, i did it. and the next day. her young friends. in their sports uniforms. and her small casket. were again on page one.

and when i photographed the accident. last week. on a rainy afternoon. where the 11 year old was hit by a car and killed while crossing the street. heading home from the store after returning some empty bottles for money. less than twenty feet from her front porch. and there were rejected soda cans and bottles. everywhere. i photographed the ambulance. inside the window. and you could only see the emt's working on something. and you knew they were working on her. trying to save her. her rescue. was on page one.

and again. last week. when the news broke. of the three soldiers killed in afghanistan. by our own forces. and one of those men. was from the next town over from where i live. one of the four towns my newspaper covers. and i photographed the house where he grew up. with the swarms of press outside. and the casualty officer walking up the stairs with his father. as he cried. and cried. and the AP reporters were there. with emergency kits. full of water, bandaids and shoelaces. because they didnt know how long they would be 'out in the middle of nowhere'. and his brother came out. and was talking to the press. one by one. i dont know why. perhaps to make them go away. but they didnt. i did. they didnt. they camped out.

and you know. i dont know if im doing the right thing. but i know that im doing my job.

we all sat with our mouths agape on the morning of september eleven. some people are still sitting in front of their televisions. watching the images. over and over. and no one is criticizing. the people who took the photos and the countless videos. or. the person who took the photo of the people jumping out of windows.

its way different. i know it is. im not claiming it isnt.

and who took the photo. of the woman committing suicide. in late august or early september. off of some bridge in seattle or san francisco. i dont remember now. but it was on the cover of usa today. and i remember seeing it. i was in a supermarket in maine. with my friend beth. and it jumped out at me. because my eyes always scan the newspapers now wherever i go. and i looked at her. and said. 'how would the family feel?' because that was one of the lines. one of the lashes. i got for my photo of the burning truck. and because it was still fresh for me, having happened just a couple of weeks before.

and this weekend. i photographed dogs wearing reindeer antlers and santa suits. and sixth graders serving pancakes in their cafeteria. to raise money for their school trip to cape cod in june. and two brothers, four and five years old, building a snowman who stood at least six feet tall. and he still didnt have his head. and skiers enjoying the free skiing. thanks to saturday nights snowstorm. and a woman spinning llama fibers into yarn. and elementary school age trumpeters trumpeting and drummers drumming. through the center of town. to kick off the annual celebration.

my job celebrates everyday life in a small town. in a small portion of a small county in a small state. most days its a challenge to make my job exciting. and make a photo different. of an event i feel like i must have shot at least a thousand times already. some stories break my heart. but its part of my job. no one can understand that unless youve done the job yourself.

this is my job. no matter what ive been asked to do. ive done it. and i love it. and i love. every photo ive taken in the past fifteen months ive been doing this job. for what every single one has taught me.

and im sure. even more so now. i dont know why. but. im doing what i was put here to do.