2003-01-31 @ 7:53 p.m.

just for the sake of another knife in the heart. after calling his house yesterday asking them if i could take my neice out to dinner tonight. just to spend some time with her. my brother called today and left a message on my machine. telling me i am no longer allowed to see his son or daughter. all because of the fight. the fight he started. and he kept going. and that he has to drag innocent children into the middle of.

i cried and cried. for hours. after i listened to the message. i just completely broke down. it was like this final thing. that pushed me over the edge.

god. this little piece of goodness. this little piece of innocence. this little piece of pure unabashed happiness. and freedom. and beauty. this little seven year old girl. ripped out of my life.

all the while. knowing how easily i take things to heart. telling me that the whole thing is all my fault.

::boggle::

because my heart hasnt been shattered enough in the past two months. with my mother being diagnosed with cancer. and having a life threatening surgery. and my needing to be with her every day. for chemo. for getting her head shaved. for her foul moods. for everything. thats not even close to over. and my brother threatening my life. and calling me a worthless f*ing bitch and spitting in my face repeatedly. and growing to hate my job more and more with each passing weekend. but seeing no way out. and my relationship with daniel being so bad that i wouldnt even call it on the rocks anymore. it fell off some massive cliff somewhere. and landed on a pile of sharp rocks. weeks ago. years ago. and now. i cant see my neice or nephew. because im so evil. for some unknown reason the tables have turned and ive become the evil one.

i still honestly dont even know how this happened.

and i feel. right now. like i dont even know which way is up. and i dont have any idea where my head is. and its a wonder i made it through dinner with my mother tonight. without letting on to her that something was wrong. and my heart is shattering. into so many pieces.

and god. i dont even care where i go. just get me the hell out of here. get me the hell out of this life.