2003-03-27 @ 11:23 p.m.

as i drove in circles through northampton. i became frustrated. slowing at every upcoming road to read the sign. this is farther than i thought. i dont think its down here. mapquest was wrong. again. its not here dammit. and then finally. conz street. the last road on the right. just before getting on the interstate. i turned right and just as daniel was getting my sheet out of the back with the building number on it. there it is. my face flushed. my heart skipped a beat. it was the sight of the newspaper building where i was dropping off my resume and portfolio. the thrill ive always had of working for a bigger newspaper surged through me all at once. i went in and told the woman at the front. id like to apply for the photo internship. and could i please give this here envelope to charles, the photo editor? i sure will do that for you, thanks, she said. and i wasnt up for fighting with her because about thirty seconds before i was hunched over in my car from the pain of cramps. so i let it go. and i said thank you. and i left. and i might have blown my chance. my chance to make that easy, important first impression. and i kicked myself all the way back to my car.

and truthfully. you know. i wanted to run back in there and intercept the envelope and jump over desks and give it to him myself. and extend my hand and say hi im caroline. its really nice to meet you and i really want/need this job. so much that you couldnt possibly understand. and he would admire my determination and my feistiness and my capability to leap large objects. and the job would be mine. of course. on the spot. but that kind of thing really only works in the movies. but im glad i did what i did just the same. because its a position i want. because i cant go far away right now. not with my mother sick. and with my brother just being the person he is. so this is only an hour away. and its only for the summer. and its an internship. so i would be learning. i would be working with other people. and i might be in a position to learn from others. which is what i need right now. when it comes to things career related.

so after we went to turn it up! and visited with josh and picked ourselves up some leonard cohen, respond II and christopher williams, we stuffed ourselves at lunch and then walked along and enjoyed the sunshine on our backs. and we were walking close. and we were laughing. and talking. and smiling. and then we found ourselves holding hands. and man i dont even remember the last time. and then. not even thirty seconds later. we passed this small circle of people on the street. standing next to a saab that was decorated in peace signs and words like love, peace and compassion. and there was a hand written sign outside the circle of people. that said. 'hold someones hand for peace today' and as i walked by i noticed the group was all holding hands. and i knew it was an anti-war sentiment. but seeing that sign. at that moment. it was just. thats exactly how i felt. i was holding someones hand for peace. but not for the worlds. for mine and his. and for ours. today.

and tonight. before he left for his meeting. i thanked him for going with me. because it would have just been another lonely day for me if he hadnt. because all my friends are lucky enough to either live far away or have full time jobs. because. on a normal day. this isnt my life.