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2003-12-16 @ 12:57 a.m. [this actually happened in early november, but because i have missed this diary, i really wanted to update things, and so these are two posts taken from my livejournal] 11.6.03 so. its thursday night and im home. home home that is. i handed my friend mark the keys to my apartment so he can stay there this weekend, hopped the 2pm train and was home by 6 tonight. its good to be here. im here so the boy and i can take a mini vacation, the first in a long time, to one of our favorite places in all this world. to go to sleep with the ocean. and spend a little time with each other. and relax some too i hope. i was surprised as i looked out the window of the train and noticed how bare everything was. last time i was outside of the city it was the first days of october and everything was still green. i was a bit sad when i realized that i completely missed fall this year. except for those few whiffs of autumn that i get from the fallen leaves on my block. okay so. truth be told. my mother isnt doing well. i saw her tonight for the first time in too long. and she is sick. and just. terribly sick. she hasnt been working at all. she is vomiting and tired. all the time. every day. and last week was supposed to be her second chemo treatment, but they couldnt give it to her. because of her blood counts. and i gave her a long hug before i left. ill be by again before i head back to the city on monday. i will be home before too long. just two more weeks. she was sad. because no, its not two weeks for her. because then daniel and i are flying to florida to see his parents for thanksgiving and then we are driving back. to do a photo roadtrip which i have been wanting to do for years. and in reality. for her. its not for another month or more. and then im home. daniel said as we drove away. you were there with her every step of the way the last time around. now you arent here at all. plus she misses you. he thinks this has a lot to do with how she is pulling through this. and he may have a point. things are not looking good here, folks. and im in a foul mood tonight. no, not foul. just sad. and pensive, i think. but i actually miss the city now. i was sitting on the couch watching 'friends' tonight and spending some quality time with the cat. when i felt myself rapidly sinking back into the place where i was before i took this job. and. dammit. i dont want to be in that place. that place is full of depression that consumes my life. and i dont want to go back there. theres a really big part of me that wants to stay in the city after this job is over. to pursue my dreams that have been put on hold for too long now. i really really want to. but it just doesnt feel like the right thing to do right now. i guess. and even thinking about it. makes me selfish and terrible. i know it does. but as much as i love my mother. i dont feel like i have the energy to do this again. and i know i will. because its the right thing to do. and because if she can do it, i most certainly can. but i dont have to be happy about it. right. +++ 11.8.03 on saturday in the twentysomething degree weather. we walked along the marginal way. and the sky turned pink in the mid afternoon. and as we sat on these wonderful tree branches. these outrageous branches. from this tree that you can only find right on the ocean in maine. the ones that are huge and grow sideways. and almost make a bench. we decided to sit and enjoy the sunset. and we sat. and talked. and relaxed.
and the question. was popped. bundled up in scarves and mittens and hats and fleece jackets. he dropped his glove. he jumped down off the branch and turned as he got back up. on one knee. he is there in front of me. telling me how much he loves me. and wants to spend forever with me. and proposing. and with a little blue box containing a beautiful sparkly ring. i was stunned and not speechless. but stunned. and madly in love.
of course i said yes. absolutely. and of course i will marry you. and all that night at dinner. and all the next day on the drive. we talked about almost nothing but what and where and when and how. and soon.
and today at work. i received hugs and handshakes and one squeal of glee. and after i got back to my office after having the ring sized. i found myself admiring myself in the wall-that-is-actually-a-mirror that my computer now faces (after the re-arrangement while i was gone). sneaking peeks at my ring. heehee.
i am blissfully happy. unbelievably. blissfully.
ps: this is my ring. |