2004-03-02 @ 11:14 p.m.

tomorrow i move thirty miles away and in with my mother. tomorrow. after fifty one days, she is leaving the hospital. and i will move in with her. to care for her and just. help her along. i am strangely excited. i am excited because i know she is really looking forward to getting home. to seeing her cat and her things and her home again. and just. being out of the hospital. and i think my excitement (thats not the word im looking for, i dont think, but im too tired right now to figure out what the right word might be) is coming from just everything falling into place for her. and for me. the past two days. making it possible for her to go home. and my being able to help her do that. without all the drama from my brother. to put it simply. i think it makes me feel great that i can play such a big role in helping her achieve this.

tonight i left the hospital early. 730ish. hours earlier than normal. but there was laundry to be done. and things to pack. and just. so many things ive been neglecting that needed to be done tonight before i go.

but before i went. we spoke about how she is so thrilled for home, albeit a bit nervous to be away from the attentive round-the-clock care of the hospital and falling into the care of me. moreso though, she is looking forward to smelling the fresh air for the first time in over seven weeks. and going for as much of a walk as she can handle along the lake she lives on now and grew up on. and the weather is perfect for her dismissal. temperatures in the 50s for the first time since october. and she is talking about things she wants to do this summer. she wants to go to maine and see her brother and see the ocean. she hasnt seen the ocean in years. it was the one tearful wish she told to me on friday after the doctor told us all her new, shortened, negative prognosis. she is looking forward, which i think is important, although its also heartbreaking because no one knows if she will make it that long.

so tomorrow. i keep referring to it as the big day. which it is i suppose. tomorrow starts a bit of a new chapter in my life. not to sound overly dramatic or anything, but this is the feeling.

and tonight im thankful for the support from my boy. even though today was court date number two. and i was there this morning. in the courtroom with him. as much as i didnt really want to. i pulled myself out of bed at 830 for his 9am courtdate and tied my hair up in a knot and drove there with him. and i dont know where im getting the strength. for this. for all of this. really. to be honest. but afterwards. as i was questioning what was happening and is happening with his case. disagreeing and not seeing the logic. i decided to leave it to the more than capable hands of lenny, his attorney. i cant stress about this. i cant worry about this. i stood in the hallway silently as they talked. then lenny turned to me and asked how she was doing. not good. but thank you for asking. what kind? ovarian. stage IIIc. my eyes shifted away and stared into the parking lot. he could sense my unintentional guardedness i think and shared with me the story of losing his forty year old daughter two years ago to the same disease my fifty five year old mother is battling. he extended his hand, grabbed mine, squeezed it and kindly told me to hang in there. my heart was won in that instant by a shifty criminal attorney who drives a brand new bmw.

friday. with all its horrific news and hysterical tears. had a good moment among the heartbreak. when i arrived at the hospital in the morning, my uncle jack was already there. as i walked into the room he stood up to give me a hug. he wrapped his arms around me. he picked me up so my feet were off the ground and swung me around. as he placed me back down, we both laughed and it was such a meaningful moment for me. i felt like a kid again. and for an instant, i felt not alone in this. i felt like for the first time. there might be someone there to help. with all of this. with the decisions and the pain and just. all of this. someone to turn to. he has been the father i always wanted. i have always been a bit jealous of his two daughters, who are both around my age. but grateful, even as a child, just that he is a part of my family. an incredibly handsome, kind, tall, quiet, caring, tough, peaceful man of few words. but with so much genuine love and interest. which means so much to me. so much more to me than anything else. and saturday morning. i woke up and there was a note on my front door. he was on his way back to maine and somehow found my house. and wanted to say hello. love, uncle jack. which still brings a big smile to my face, as its still on my desk here.

what a sloppy entry. apologies for it. i will probably be home once a week or perhaps less. my brother may come in and cover during the day for a few hours. she cant stay alone right now. and so i wont be around much. as my mothers house is a very low key place, no computer. no cable. but it will be good. and i will do much reading. and more thinking and caring and just. loving. and doing the things that need to be done right now.