2002-05-25 @ 11:36 p.m.

yesterday. i got that pain again. that pain in my heart. the extremely painful stabbing pain. so this time. i went to the hospital. because last time i spoke with a doctor about it, she said the best thing to do is next time it happens, go to a hospital within an hour of it happening. it would be easier that way. for them to tell what had just happened.

it took me ten minutes to drive to the hospital. where i sat down in a glass walled office. and told the woman with the stethoscope my symptoms. yes, a stabbing pain. on a scale of one to ten? with one being no pain at all and ten being the worst pain of my life? today. it was an eight. but there are plenty of times when its a ten. it stops me in my tracks. it takes my breath away. but right now. well its been twenty minutes. right now its a one. do i get sweaty? yes most of the time. yes i do. short of breath? yes it always makes me short of breath. im short of breath right now. still. nauseous? no not really. but i do feel like im going to pass out.

so i thought id be there in time. driving to the hospital right away and all.

except i sat there for an hour and a half before i got called in. behind the boy with his arm wrapped in towels. and the girl who needed a wheelchair. and the woman bleeding from the head.

the people were kind. the doctors and nurses and even the woman who had to type all my information into the computer. she was kind and gave me all the paperwork i would need to apply for free care since i dont have insurance. and she reassured me. that it was okay i was there. and that they were going to treat me to the best of their ability. even though i dont have insurance.

a woman came in and handed me what she called a johnny. a hospital nightgown. when asked if i had to take off all my clothes, she said no. just from the waist up. my bra also? yes that will be easier for the EKG. she said. EKG? daniel and i just looked at each other. our first thoughts were the same. theyre really concerned. given my symptoms. theyre concerned about my heart. i was nervous. but i was also relieved. that these people believed me. that im young. and im a woman. and even though its not typical. i was having chest pains. that werent really chest pains. but were more like stabbing pains in or around my heart. and they were concerned.

the nurse came back and stuck stickers on my ankles, the inside part of my elbows, and about eight of them all around my heart. then attached cords to each one of them. and told me to relax. right. i was laughing because i was nervous. i was terrified really. but i tried my hardest to relax while the machine to my right was monitoring my heartbeats. beep. beep. beep. okay done. but leave the stickers on because they may want to do it again.

dr owens soon came in and you could see the wheels turning in his head as he asked me an assortment of questions. he had a sense of humor and a big smile. and even though, you know. i was in the emergency room. with chest pains. that were more like stabbing pains in my heart. and i had stickers all over my body. and i had just had an EKG done. i couldnt help but smile back at him. the EKG was normal, he told me. and asked more questions about my symptoms. more of the same. and he pressed on my stomach and my chest and even pounded lightly on my back. testing things. no that doesnt hurt. that doesnt either. no. im still short of breath, yes.

we're going to give you a chest xray and see if theres anything we can see there. after peeling the stickers off my skin. and padding my way down the sterile hallway over to xray. dressed in my hospital nightgown. and any chance you could be pregnant? okay. here hold this. put this around your waist. take a deep breath. hold it. click. okay you can breathe now. twice in a row. and im done. and i pad back to my curtained room.

the doctor with the infectious smile appears again. your EKG is fine. your chest xray looks fairly normal. all of that. he just kept shaking his head as he told me how even though i am so young, my symptoms are of the cardiac sort. and it could be one thing, but you wouldnt have been having it for years like you have. and it could be this other but its a continuous pain that lasts for days. and nothing fit quite right.

most of the answers i got were something along the lines of if it gets worse, call your doctor. or come back. but we have no answers for you. we are really sorry and wish there were more we could do. there just doesnt appear to be an answer. and i know they did the best they could. and they gave me these tests. for a girl with no insurance. so im okay. as far as the machines know. and as far as they can tell. and while thats not enough for me. they didnt doubt there was something wrong. they didnt tell me 'oh its nothing'. they just dont know what it is.

i felt it again today. at the riverfest. and i dont know if ill ever have an answer. for these chest pains. that arent really chest pains. but are more like stabbing pains in or around my heart.