2004-07-08 @ 1:56 p.m.

last night had a theme of dreams about dying. this is probably because it has been such a theme in so much of my life lately.

first, with tubes and hospital beds (like my mother). only this time it was the boy. and suddenly, the tubes were gone and he was walking down the street toward me, arms outstretched.

second, suicide. walking in on a man (that i knew in the dream, and apparently meant a lot to me) trying to hang himself from the shower head. he was coughing and almost gone and i kept walking in and out of the bathroom, not knowing what to do. i didnt help him. i didnt know how. after i paced in and out of the bathroom five or six times, very worried but essentially frozen, i looked over at him and he was holding the noose around his neck, trying to loosen it. he somehow pulled it off and eventually, he was okay and i was all over him with tears and affection.

then one about my mother. i was in her house, in her dining room. with some women she worked with. we were putting together a piece of framed artwork, which i dont remember now what it looked like. one kept laughing at me as she asked me how she was, telling me that i know my mother too well and what shes capable of. leading me to believe that she thought i was sure she would beat this and be okay. no, i have my moments, i said. but it was true. because it was true until the instant she died. i always had hope that she would beat it. even when it was clear to everyone else that she wouldnt. the feeling surrounding the dream felt like that last week when i was at her house taking care of her. then she walked into the apartment, in the back door that goes into the kitchen. and i could tell it was her by her friends reactions. but i couldnt see her because i was on the other side of the dining room. but the sound of the door opening and closing was vivid. and then the dream ended.

and the last one? about acting and falling in love with strangers. which didnt fit the rest of the night, but was a better way to start off the morning i suppose.

sigh. i am so tired.