2004-06-20 @ 11:57 p.m.

today is just another day. yesterday was the nieces ninth birthday party. which is always held the day before fathers day. she was born on fathers day. nine years ago. which is a blessing. year after year. but especially this year.

and for me. today is just another day. my father is out there somewhere. in middle america. and as far as im concerned he can make the world a more beautiful place by dropping dead. i havent acknowledged fathers day in many years. but this year is so different. i feel like this year is different. every other year, he has been in the back of my mind. although i never wanted to, the should i or shouldnt i argument always happened somewhere deep in my subconscious. but this year feels so good. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

ill never forget when he called me the day after my mother died. his gurgly voice left a message on the voicemail of my cellphone im sorry for your loss. click. my immediate thought. it should have been you. and if i ever have the chance. thats what ill tell him. because. the violent abusive drunkard who made sure everyone around him was as miserable as he was. it should have.

and i said the other day. theres no way to describe it really. its just. it just feels good. there will be no reconciliation this time. there is no forgiveness left in me for him. not anymore. not after what he did this time. he never let her go. not even in her final weeks. he was still calling her. in her goddamn hospital room. to harass her. twenty five years after their divorce and he couldnt leave her alone. and i saw so much pain and anger on her face then and i cant turn away from that. from what he did. and i know this is a gift from my mothers death. i should have cut him out for good so many years ago. but now. there will be no maybe ill email him out of pity or guilt this time. he gets nothing from me. nothing. anymore. and i am so glad to have that closure. if thats the word. i dont know. but thats what it feels like.

whatever it is. its been a long time coming. and it just feels so good.