2004-05-18 @ 4:44 p.m.

i am overwhelmed and speechless right now. i went to the cemetery today. the first time since march nineteenth. the first time since my mothers funeral. i found the headstone but had a hard time figuring out exactly where it was that we buried her, since her footstone hasnt been put in yet.

i brought a towel and sat for a while. i fixed the little windmill flower that my neice brought up for her on mothers day. and the bird with the wings that flap when the wind blows. stuck their sticks in a little more to make sure they didnt fall over. found a bottle of water in my trunk and watered the flowers my sister-in-law left there.

i relaxed. i spoke. i mostly just thought. i didnt feel i needed to say things out loud. i laid down on my back, just next to where i think she was, and covered my eyes from the blazing sun. i looked up once and saw a woman staring at me as she walked by. dressed in work attire and bright white sneakers. lunch break walk apparently. who does that in a cemetery? whos the freak laying on the graves? i pictured her saying to herself and telling her coworkers about it when she got back. i smiled to myself, knowing that if my mother were physically there with me, we would be laughing about it.

if only she knew.

it was a beautiful time and i was so glad that i went. ive been scared to. or something. i dont know. theres a reason why i never went before today. im just not sure what it is yet. going there, i know, was my first step. i knew i had to take it. and i felt ready.

before i left. one of the things i said. i asked her for guidance. send me a sign. something. anything. tell me what to do. where to go. where to turn. im so confused. and overwhelmed. my life is wide open right now. and i dont know what to do. please help me.

later when i arrived home. i checked the messages. all apartment calls for the boy. except the one in the middle from g, the photographer at the newspaper i used to work for. the publisher had just pulled her into the office and asked her to call me to tell me that the other paper, twenty minutes from here, is now in a position to hire a photographer. and they want to know if im interested.

i walked upstairs and laid on my bed and started sobbing. so many questions have been answered with this simple thing. so many things have been settled. this feeling. is just. indescribable. i cant even possibly put it into words.