2002-05-20 @ 12:17 p.m.

the funny thing is. i thought i was doing okay. i really did.

i thought i was doing fine.

until last night. when we came home. and that suspicious car was across the street. the suspicious car that was sitting outside our house when we came home from dinner. the suspicious car that turned its lights on when we got out of my car to walk into our house. the suspicious car that peeled away when daniel walked back outside.

our house. the place you are supposed to feel safe.

and i tried to hide my face. with my scarf. you know. i tried to hide my face. as i walked into the house. and headlights shone on us. and i was trying. to hide my face.

and it threw me into a frenzy. and i lost it. and i cried hysterically. alone. for most of the night. because i couldnt find the shirt i wanted to wear today. and i yelled and screamed. and just generally. went off the deep end.

and i thought i was doing fine.

but sometimes. i guess. something creeps up. and shakes you up. ten days later. ten years later. and makes you realize. that no matter how much you thought you were. youre not okay.

and a little before midnight i went to bed. unable to stop crying. and laid there. by myself. staring at the ceiling. jumping at every little sound the house made. its an old house. with radiators. there were a lot of sounds. and i stared at the ceiling. and slept with the light on. until sometime after 3am.

and you know. the funny thing is. i thought. i was doing fine.