2002-11-24 @ 10:52 p.m.

my mother has cancer.

and that night. the night we found out. thursday night. i had to go into work. and as i came around that sharp corner that drops down the hill right by city hall. well as i came around that corner. the entire downtown was lit up. those hundreds of trees that line the median and the sidewalks on each side. and the two christmas trees. one on each end of main street. one at city hall. one in front of the library at monument square. all of a sudden it was there. right in front of me. and i had forgotten that night was the annual christmas tree lighting. and i sat at the stoplight at city hall. with a giant christmas tree to my left. and hundreds of lit trees in front of me. and cried hysterically. and sat through one whole green light. because i didnt even notice until it was turning red again. and no one was behind me to honk me out of the way.

and two corners later. i was at work. and i told my first people. two of my friends were there. co-workers. sports reporters, really. but theyre my friends. giving me a hard time. nothing new. then i turned to the one that was sitting next to me. after the tenth time he asked 'whats the matter?' in his sarcastic tone. and said. 'if you really must know. i found out today that my mother has ovarian cancer.'

which resulted in a three way hug. that made my night as much as it could have.

i havent told anyone since. until right now. this is my first time writing about it. i couldnt even put the words together until now. and even now. how do i write about how my world came to a screeching halt? how do i write about how terrified i am? how do i write about how i cant concentrate and everything just seems wrong? how do i write about how much my mother means to me? and cant someone just wake me up and tell me this isnt really happening? and why doesnt anyone have any answers?

and shes only 54.

and i dont know what else to say. but somehow the christmas tree lighting story seemed relevant. though i suppose its really not. its more like the most relevant thing i could think of. but everything is tarnished right now. the first two nights i cried while i was sleeping. i woke up crying and choking. from dreams of her funeral. from dreams of the doctor coming out of her surgery telling us she didnt make it through.

im on the verge of tears all the time. during basketball games. watching television. driving in the car. eating dinner. sitting at the computer. im on the verge of tears. all the time.

so tomorrow morning. she and i will make the ninety minute drive to the better hospital again. to have some more bloodwork done. and xrays. to see if its spread. and hope. that it hasnt.

and surgery to remove her uterus, ovaries and tubes is december 3. so this year. thanksgiving is here. at our house. and we arent going to D's parents. like we do every year. this year. its all about mom.