2002-04-02 @ 1:02 a.m.

you know how you live life. and as youre doing the living thing, there are a lot of people that come and go. but there are some. a few. or maybe just one. that swoop in and swoop out. and you never forget them.

well. i have a lot of those. and one of those is a guy named alec.

we worked together at a greasy spoon diner in the early 90s in cambridge. we were both in our early 20s. he was fresh out of college and i was finishing up. i used to love to watch him. i used to love to work with him. he was fun. he was cool. he was kind of cute. he was a little dorky. he tried too hard sometimes. he had an infectious smile. and he had a laugh that made you get a little embarassed for him but that you could hear from all the way across the square. he was such a good guy.

he made me quit my job when it was the best thing for me. he let me cry on his shoulder. he told my boss, 'shes leaving and youre not stopping her.' he made me head downstairs and punch out and grab my coat and walk out in the middle of my shift. he kept telling me it was the right thing to do. he said he was taking my tables. he opened the door for me to walk out. and he told me not to worry.

it was very dramatic.

ive seen him a few times in the nine years since those days in harvard square. waiting tables together.

its only been a few times and i havent seen him in years. once i was walking down congress street in boston, on my way to work at another (better) waitressing job. i was crossing the bridge over the fort point channel. it was incredibly windy as it always was on that bridge. my hair was long and in my face. we stared at each other as we passed. my eyes poking through the wrap of my hair. the familiarity was there. he said hello first and it took me by surprise. as soon as he said hello i instantly remembered who and where. we stopped to talk. it had been more than a year, maybe two, since that night i left the diner. and he was a glass blower. and then i remembered. he went to oberlin i think. for fine arts. and while at oberlin, he apprenticed with a glass blower. and he told me he was living there in southie. i dont remember much else from that time. except that i was running late for work so i couldnt talk long. and except that i thought about him the rest of the day. and i wondered if he was okay. but i was happy for him. he was an artist. and at that time southie was an up-and-coming artists community.

and the last time i saw him was about a year and a half later i think. it was christmas night. i was heading home on a greyhound. i was transferring busses in springfield. as i left the terminal to get on the next bus that would take me to where i was going. he was there standing near the door of my bus. just standing there. smoking a cigarette. as if standing in the bus terminal in springfield, two hours from where we once knew each other, on christmas night, was the most natural thing in the world. i dont remember what happened that time. i remember feeling something strange as i looked at him. i remember exchanging hellos. but thats all. and i remember. just getting on the bus. and then. wanting to get off the bus. to talk to him. but i never did. and i dont know why i just continued to sit there.

but i wish now i would bump into him just one more time. and i wish could take him out to coffee and say thanks. and i wish now i knew him better.

i did a search for him on google tonight and the only results that came up were some triathlon finish times. both of which say that in the fall of 2000, he was living in brooklyn. and its not important i suppose. but i would love to see him again. even though its been so many years. and we arent in our early 20s anymore. even though we're both thirty now. and i might not even recognize him. and i doubt he would even remember me. and i wonder why do i get these urges? these feelings? is it just regret? or sadness? or whats going on? is it normal?

i wanted to find an email for him. and send him one. that just asks 'do you remember me?' is it the internet that has done this to us? this urge to find old friends? old could-have-beens? would we just settle with having-known-them-when and the memories, if it werent for the internet? and for the almightly search pages?

do you think, if i wish enough, itll happen? that ill just be walking down some random street somewhere one day, and ill look up. and alec will be there? and ill be able to talk to him, like i never could the other times? and why does it even matter? i dont know why some of these people stay in my mind and never let go. i dont even know if its okay that they do.

see, im lucky. sometimes. ive had the good fortune. to just meet these really amazing people. and it always seems to be when im at a bad or wierd place in my life. and they just. swoop in. and swoop out. and i never do forget them.